So here I was, sitting in front of the keyboard, striving to write a good, wholesome first post for my new, shiny blog. I already had a good chunk of text, talking all about the important reasons why I was going to start writing. I was about to jot down a tidy, numbered list of the things I wanted to achieve throughout the year with the blog’s help.
It took about 10 minutes before I have recognised just how fake and forced it all sounded. Roughly 2 minutes later I was also truly on the verge of tears because of what my own words were making me realise. I proceeded to send a rather dark humour type of message to my sister and only other friend, and now I am back here, trying again, from scratch.
The truth is that I haven’t created this blog to achieve glorious things. I have created it because I am desperate. Things are falling apart and I have more days when I just don’t know what to do any more than ever before.
It may not look so bad from the outside. I do after all have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, and enough money to keep the heating going, or even to spoil myself now and then. I have a comfortable bed, a good size TV, a computer with not one but two screens, and a whole lot of kitchen gadgets to make my day to day life easier. When you look at it that way, it may seem that I am quite privileged and really have no right to complain at all.
In all honesty though, on the inside, I am falling apart. I spend hours, days, months, trying to submerge myself in other peoples captivating lives via games, tv series, anime and the like. I live through the fictitious lives of the heroes and heroines, whilst my real life is a sad excuse for existence. Every time I pull my head out of the fantasy realm just for a moment, it is killing me to realise that none of it is real and none of it is mine.
My actual life is the dullest, most empty thing devoid of any purpose or meaning. I do the same things every day. It is a very short list of things too, mostly limited to eating, drinking, showering, trying not to let the kitchen descend into chaos, and going for the same short walk along the same route with my sister and nephew, followed by a bit of shopping. And that is it. That really is all there is. That, and the life I live by proxy in the worlds behind my TV or computer screen.
- my depression is growing deeper by the minute, threatening to overwhelm me entirely,
- my weight is getting seriously out of control resulting from really bad eating habits and possibly by now and eating disorder, threatening my health and wrecking any remainder of self-esteem,
- my finances are in shambles due to debt, lack of budgeting and impulse-spending on things I don’t really need,
- my place is becoming messier and messier partly because of all that buying of unnecessary things and partly because I just can’t be bothered to deal with it.
I am 34 years old and I can ‘proudly’ say that I have achieved absolutely nothing, that I have fulfilled a total of none of my dreams, that my life is an overwhelming mess and that right now it’s somewhat of a wonder that I even have it in me to keep going at all.
So this is why I really started this blog. I am looking for a miracle – something to drag me out of the dark, quiet, lonely places in my own head and give my life some kind of meaning. Perhaps, I dare dream, one day there will really be something more for me to get up for than another episode of someone else’s made-up life.
Wish me luck.